Too little anesthesia, then too much

In the middle of my surgery I woke up, looked at the doctor and told him that what he was doing hurt. He told me they would be done shortly and then realized I had woken from anesthesia, I remember they were talking about golf. He started ordering more anesthesia then I remember hearing my heart monitor beeping. The nurses started saying they were losing me and asking me to stay with them then 'beep, beep, beeeeepp'.

Next thing I knew, I was standing over the doctor watching them work on me, I wasn't scared I was fascinated. I could see everyone. I knew they were working on me, they seemed extremely hurried, and I remember it amused me because I was no longer in pain. I remember being pulled backwards and when I turned I was in an earthy tunnel and a door was before me that opened into a spectacular light. The light was brilliant, but it did not hurt! As I passed into it, it glowed with warmth, love, knowledge, and understanding. Not just my own knowledge but knowledge of everything. I had complete understanding, collective but separate. Everything made sense. Everything was more vivid, the colors were brighter and deeper, everything was tranquil and at peace the moment I crossed into the light.

I was now standing in a lush rolling meadow, covered with blooms and trees. I felt a presence strong and even more wonderful; I knew my family was with me. The presence had a deep resonating voice that touched the core of your soul. I don't remember what the voice told me, but the peace and calm seemed to magnify. I remember sitting in the meadow, I was cradling something in my arms, asking to cross a small free flowing stream, and not being allowed, I asked to stay. I did not want to go back. I knew the peace, warmth and light could not follow me back. I tried to walk toward the stream, but then I was being pulled down and backwards through the door. I remember leaving the warm glow of the light and being filled with immense sadness as all of the knowledge and peace left me, my senses dimmed, and my vision seemed muddied compared to the brilliant vibrancy of the meadow. I was angry, mad. I felt the air being knocked out of me as I hit my body and the pain returned.

I remember the nurse saying she's back, and I started sobbing telling them I didn't want to come back, begging for them to send me back to the light. The nurse just kept saying stay with us. Don't close your eyes just stay with us, and she was holding my hand. When I think about it I am filled with an extreme since of grief and loss but I know that I will be returning someday and then they will let me cross the stream. 

NDERF.org # 3745