Barbara
Harris Whitfield had an NDE at age thirty-two when she suffered respiratory
complications while immobilized after back surgery. She described a life review
in which she re-experienced abusive childhood events from the perspective of
other people involved: “As I left my body, I again went out into the darkness.
Looking down and off to the right, I saw myself in a bubble—in the circle
bed—crying. Then I looked up and to the left, and I saw my one-year-old self in
another bubble—facedown in my crib—crying just as hard. I decided I didn’t want
to be the thirty-two-year-old Barbara anymore; I’d go to the baby. As I moved
away from my thirty-two-year-old body in the circle bed, I felt as though I
released myself from this lifetime. As I did, I became aware of an Energy that
was wrapping itself around me and going through me, permeating me, holding up
every molecule of my being. “In every scene of my life review I could feel
again what I had felt at various times in my life. And I could feel everything
everyone else felt as a consequence of my actions. Some of it felt good and
some of it felt awful. All of this translated into knowledge, and
I learned—oh, how I learned! The information was flowing at an incredible
breakneck speed that probably would have burned me up if it weren’t for the
extraordinary Energy holding me. The information came in, and then love
neutralized my judgments against myself. I received all information about every
scene—my perceptions and feelings—and anyone else’s perceptions and feelings
who were in the scene.
"There was no good and no bad. There was only me and my
loved ones from this life trying to be, or just trying to survive. “I went to
the baby I was seeing to my upper left in the darkness. Picture the baby being
in a bubble and that bubble in the center of a cloud of thousands and thousands
of bubbles. In each bubble was another scene in my life. As I moved toward the
baby, it was as though I was bobbing through the bubbles. At the same time
there was a linear sequence in which I relived thirty-two years of my life. I
could hear myself saying, ‘No wonder, no wonder.’
"I now believe my ‘no wonders’
meant ‘No wonder you are the way you are now. Look what was done to you when
you were a little girl.’ “My mother had been dependent on drugs, angry, and
abusive. I saw all this childhood trauma again, in my life review, but I didn’t
see it in little bits and pieces, the way I had remembered it as an adult. I
saw and experienced it just as I had lived it at the time it first happened.
Not only was I me, I was also my mother. And my dad. And my brother. We were
all one. I now felt my mother’s pain and neglect from her childhood. She wasn’t
trying to be mean. She didn’t know how to be loving or kind. She didn’t know
how to love. She didn’t understand what life is really all about. And she was still
angry from her own childhood, angry because they were poor and because her
father had grand mal seizures almost every day until he died when she was
eleven. And then she was angry because he left her.
“Everything came flooding
back. I witnessed my brother’s rage at my mother’s abuse, and then his turning
around and giving it to me. I saw how we were all connected in this
dance that started with my mother. I saw how her physical body expressed her
emotional pain. I could hear myself saying, ‘No wonder, no wonder.’ I could now
feel that she abused me because she hated herself. “I saw how I had given up
myself in order to survive. I forgot that I was a child. I became my mother’s
mother. I suddenly knew that my mother had had the same thing happen to her in
her childhood. She took care of her father during his seizures, and as a child
she gave herself up to take care of him. As children, she and I both became
anything and everything others needed. As my life review continued, I also saw
my mother’s soul, how painful her life was, how lost she was. In my life review
I saw she was a good person caught in helplessness. I saw her beauty, her
humanity, and her needs that had gone unattended to in her own childhood. I
loved her and understood her. We may have been trapped, but we were still souls
connected in our dance of life by an Energy source that had created us.
“As my
life review continued, I got married and had my own children and saw that I was
on the edge of repeating the cycle of abuse and trauma that I had experienced
as a child. I was becoming like my mother. As my life unfolded before my eyes,
I witnessed how severely I had treated myself because that was the behavior
shown and taught to me as a child. I realized that the only big mistake I had
made in my life of thirty-two years was that I had never learned to love
myself.”
Greyson,
Bruce. After (pp. 42-44). St. Martin's Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.