I was 4 years old. As I recall it was in the
summer or fall. I had been having difficulty breathing and in the
evening I was taken to the emergency room by my mother and father. This
wasn't unusual; I averaged a trip to the hospital at least once every
two weeks. On one occasion I distinctly remember listening to a doctor
advising my parents to stop caring for me and to let me die, telling
that I was not worth taking care of due to the extremeness of my asthma
and would be dead by the time I was age 9.
Anyway, I was laying
on an examination table, my parents were to the left of me. The door to
the room was closed and I was in extreme pain. Every breath felt like
burning razors were tearing through my lungs and throat. I don't
remember the moment, I stopped breathing; only, all of the pain stopped
and I found myself in a vast place.
The air, if you could call
it that, was filled with an unearthly white light. The place seemed to
expand for all eternity. I do remember a being of light, God, standing
near me. It was looming over me like a great tower of strength, yet
radiating only warmth and love. Its first words sent a shock through me,
'Bobby, I'm sorry for the pain this meeting will cause you. When I
created the Universe, I put rules and limitations in place. Every time
you come here, it changes you, because this is your second time here.
You will remember more than you're supposed to, and it will cause you
more pain than you know. You will suffer as no one in your family ever
has, and I can't change that.' As those words were spoken, if that's
what you could call them, I caught glimpses of my life and felt pride,
love, joy, and sadness, all pouring into me. Each images was of me, but
from the standpoint of a being standing with me or looking on.
I
remember the conversation going on for an eternity, but in reality it
only lasted a minute or two at the most. I remember a white light that
seemed to pulsate and understanding that it was some kind of extension
of God. It stored the moments of every moment and life. It allowed a
mortal to experience them. If I was to label this, I would call it the
Book of Fate, that contains all that has, is, and will be.
Somehow
I felt the light from that device and God merge to become one with me. I
saw my life, all 128 years of it. I saw my mother die, and me being
unable to do anything about it as I had moved away. I saw my sister
struggling with depression and worse due to a rape she experienced in
her mid 20's. I saw my father die a few years after my mother. I saw a
home I'd built for my family, in a place halfway across the country,.
This home was far away from my home. I also experienced the final
moments of my mortal life. I was in a bed, I don't know where, my
children and grandchildren were there with me. I remember thinking,
'It's finally done.' I remember feeling a horrible wave of sadness rip
through me as I thought of my daughter who had died before me, and then I
remember thinking of my wife. (Keep in mind I was 4 years old while
experiencing the life experiences of an 128 year old man) I remembered
the night we were married, the room was dimly lit and she was standing
in front of me getting undressed. I remember seeing a strand of gray in
her hair and then looking back on that moment, realizing how in that
moment I had been reborn and everything was worth it. Then I realized
I'd be able to see her and my daughter again, and gave into death for
the final time.
That wasn't the end though, I was shown the
consequences of my life, thousands of people that I'd interacted with
and felt what they felt about me, saw their life and how I had impacted
them. Next I saw the consequences of my life and the influence of my
actions. I saw people reading my books, teaching lessons to children
that I had taught them.
I remember waking up confused and trying
to deal with everything. For a long time afterwards I struggled to deal
with what I saw, every time my mom got sick, I wondered if it was time
for her to die. I tried to always be strong, and in time eventually came
to blame myself for my mother's oncoming death and sister's oncoming
rape. I couldn't deal with the things I had experienced and it took
nearly 29 years after this before I could begin to stop blaming myself
and accept that I had nothing to do with those things.
NDERF.org, 8010
No comments:
Post a Comment