I miscarried the baby in the hospital and
though I was very sad about the event, I felt that all was meant to be.
As if I've never wanted to name the Divine as I would like to refer to
Him as: The Great Presence.
Two nurses came to take me up a few
stairs to for an internal exam. As we went up I felt myself begin to
reel backwards and off I went round and round through space. I stopped
spinning and began flying past planets and stars, I flew through the
rings of Saturn seeing massive rocks and dust particles right before my
eyes, I was marveling at the astounding beauty and laughing about how no
one on Earth would believe my experience. It all felt so wonderful, so
exactly perfect, I was an astronaut, a fabulous free spirit of joy! I
was filled with indescribable joy and love for all of creation from the
vastness of space to the smallest of all nano-expressions!
Then
suddenly I was above my body, which lay on a stretcher, wearing a white
hospital gown, I looked at my body and knew it wasn't the real me, it
was the thing I had been caught inside, and now I was free! Oh and how I
felt such happiness! The joy was all-pervading, it was the real world,
pain, suffering, loss, and all illusionary experience that we like to
get all knotted up about. Everything was becoming clear to me. Oh and
the nurses were calling my name, one was crying tears, another was
saying ''oh my God, we've lost her!’ meanwhile I was above them
thinking ‘what silly Billy’s, they were making all that fuss, wondering
why they couldn't see me and just know that all was perfectly fabulous!’
Then I saw a window, which was open about 6 inches wide, and I thought,
'Wow, I wonder if I can fit through there’, then instantly I was in
another state.
I was flying through Goldenness: pure, serene,
and delightful Goldenness. Oh, wow! I was held by this serenity for the
longest time, I couldn't do anything except be with It and It with me.
It was inside me. It was me. It was in and with everyone and everything.
It had always been in and with everything. It was and is Truth, Love,
Compassion, Joy, and All. This Goldenness held all information. It was
the One Mind. It contained the creation of all of everything ever
created. I felt, I experienced everything that has ever been and ever
shall be. All is simultaneously occurring. There is no past or future.
It all just IS.
There is no way to describe the immaculate
beauty of this experience, though every day for the last 35 years I wish
I could find a way. Bliss, is a mere descriptive word, yet does not
give to you what I wish I could, but yes ‘bliss’ is close, in a way. I
saw and experienced every single detail of my present life up to that
moment, like watching a movie yet starring as the main character
simultaneously. This made me feel quite sad, as I had not lived my life
in a state of serene joy, and felt ashamed.
Ashamed that I had
not realized how imperative it is for one to be incredibly happy in this
life, no matter the circumstances. The pain, the fear: no matter what!
All our material conflicts of body and mind are quite unimportant in the
state of ultimate freedom and blissful awareness to which we shall all
return. I felt I had been unfaithful to The Great Presence, who like a
divinely loving Mother, who I had let down. I was my own judge. Yet I
was this love simultaneously. I saw how all of Humanity has walked with
eyes cast low to the Earth, not opening wide to the beauty of the one
loving presence of Golden peace. This peace is one in which we truly
live, yet do not see. I saw how sadness overcomes those who cannot
forgive themselves or others; and on their day of an awakened mind, they
too shall be ashamed and slowly sink to a lower experience.
I
saw how in being uplifted we could all ascend to the true joy together
as a loving family of Beings beyond a human life in mundane-ness. I saw
how there is a level of fear so ingrained in some, it's hard to look at,
and yet they too, can find a way through to peacefulness. I saw how
things will change, yet only after massive suffering and yet I saw, too,
that it is possible to end suffering. I saw that I had a purpose and
that all beings have purpose. I saw we are not separate; we are the
entire One. I saw that we must have all the courage possible to achieve
this fabulous unity. It is highly possible.
I felt and
experienced all of creation as an Omni-experience, there was no time
involved at any level. I saw it is so simple it cannot be expressed; it
is best to let the mind be still and then it may occur of itself. It was
such a feeling of raised joy I was in. In the distance, a Great
Presence appeared which is the most Ultimate of Holiness emanating
extraordinary Brilliance! This Great Presence is the Heart of all of
everything: we are but foolish children! I put my arms out to try to fly
and saw that there were rainbows of colors: I was a rainbow being. I
was made of light and color: I was overjoyed! I thought I can fly to the
Great Presence before me and unite with the purity of all that is, was,
and ever shall be. That was my heart’s desire, to be at one with the
Great Presence which 'they' call God, and yet I dare not announce a name
to that which is beyond naming.
I begin to fly and move closer
to that beauteous sight and begin to feel the Great Presence pervade my
very core, as if my entirety is exploding into love. Then a great
powerful voice, which seems to echo in all directions and vibrates
through to my very soul, declares: ‘It is not your time’, whereupon I
feel such sorrow and in my mind, I am saying ‘No, no, no. Please don't
make me go back’, for I do not want to return to this Earth, ever again.
I awake in the hospital bed two days later and cry in heartache that I
am here on Earth again. I have never felt at home here on earth. I have
been alone with this and many other amazing and profound experiences
for which I struggle to find anyone to which I can connect.
I do
hope my experience is of some help, and I wish I could re-write it so I
don't leave anything out, but I am afraid that would take a long time
as there is too much to explain here. But since then I have been living
as if in a double life, for no one would believe me if I told them
everything I have seen.
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