"It was as if my spirit had returned."

I have a memory/vision of viewing my unconscious crumpled body on the ground from ~15-20 feet above. I recall no sound; I was just floating above observing the scene. Everything was very still and silent. No one else was present, not my friend, our horses, or the helicopter and EMTs who came to get me. It was just me in my jeans and pink shirt, laying on my left side crumbled and unconscious. A second memory, later in the day I suspect, of observing myself from above on a gurney in a hospital hallway with warm golden or orange lights or walls near a nursing station and later in CT. I’m sure plenty of people were there but I saw none other than my lifeless body. Both memories are very quiet and serene, I was just floating and observing. It was sad, frightening and peaceful. I was just watching myself or, my body, so still and lifeless. It was if I was given a choice or pondering as to whether to return or move on. Or just put there to observe myself.

I was in a coma for 10 days and woke to hearing loss and brain troubles. My life which had been at its peak, finally, just before the accident crumbled and I became withdrawn, angry, erratic and struggled in school, with self-esteem and in friendships. I went from being voted 'friendlies' and 'cutest couple' in my senior class to becoming a social pariah. I struggled with anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem since then.

25 years later (a year ago now), 6 months into recognizing and working on my PTSD and exactly 25 years after the accident, on a beautiful walk in my current state of Massachusetts I found myself on a beautiful street with lovely little old (at least 100 years) houses near my home that I’d never seen before. I felt so comforted and cozy there, as if I was meant to be or live there. The feeling was so comforting and spiritual, unlike anything I’d even felt. Then, a few minutes later on another more familiar street, I felt a sudden rush of joy and exhilaration hit my chest. It was if my spirit had returned. I suddenly felt strong, confident, and happy as my 17-year-old self had felt prior to the accident and all the turmoil it has caused in my life.

Maybe a few weeks or days after that walk, on another walk in a nearby beautiful cemetery on a cloudy afternoon, a sudden spot of focal golden light on a gravestone caught my eye. I retraced my steps and the grave, ~100 years old and one I’d never seen before, was that of a woman with my same name and last initial, Carrie B. She had died young; I think in her 20’s or 30’s. As I retraced my steps to confirm what I’d seen, ravens in the trees above started cawing and rustling leaves and I realized that was identical to the fall day in Missouri exactly 25 years ago when ravens spooked my horse on the trail minutes (seconds?) before my accident. I got the same feeling with being connected to my true self/ spirit as i had the week before on my walk. My whole body was humming, thrilled and comforted. I could not look away.

Can a spirit leave the body and not fully return for 25 years? Since then, I have felt more myself (unlike I’ve felt in 25 years) and the circumstances of my life (I’m finally engaged in living and pursuing my dreams again) have improved immensely.  

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