Dying 98 year-old waits for son: Kerr excerpt #15

Dr. Christopher Kerr writes of dying patients having dreams or visions of renewing friendships with deceased friends and relatives:

Those who were loved and lost and come back through end-of-life dreams and visions help fulfil each patient’s unique needs, whether it is the need to be forgiven, to be loved, or to be granted peace. For many, their longing is so overwhelming that it affects not just ELDV content but also their external reality. We often hear of dying patients who wait for a particular anniversary, birthday or visitor before taking their last breath. Prior to working at Hospice, I assumed this phenomenon to be part of the lore that was passed around hospitals and whose origin may have been as nebulous as the evidence evoked to support it. Then I met Maisy, a 98-year-old matriarch, who simply refused to pass before her son Ronnie made it to the hospital.

Maisy had not seen her son in 8 years. This may have been due to an interpersonal conflict or just time’s swift passage. I was not about to inquire. She had stopped eating several days earlier and was no longer verbal, so we knew her to be teetering at the threshold of death. Her relatives had gathered around and were talking freely, not with her, who had seemingly lost consciousness, but certainly about her, the woman who had taken in over 100 foster kids in her lifetime. They didn’t know that she could hear them. Someone mentioned that they had had the police track down her biological son Ronnie in Oregon, and that he had booked a flight to Buffalo. They were now worried he would not make it in time to see her. The next day Maisy opened her eyes, sat up in bed, and cried out her husband’s name: “Amos! My Amos!” she said, followed by “I can’t come to you now. My son’s coming.” Ronnie arrived on the same day, and 24 hours later, Maisy closed her eyes for the last time.

As a scientist, I could give a protracted explanation for what happened to allow Maisy to stall a process over which she seemingly had no control. It would have to do with sleep patterns and their relation to the dying process. I could explain that dying is progressive sleep, and that to sleep deeply one must be able to relax and let go. I could go on providing evidence about the biological processes involved in not yet dying, but that would not do justice to what I and others commonly witness. It would not even come close. Maisy’s mind was unable to find peace until Ronnie arrived. In the final analysis, dying, like living, is about love and consciousnesses that endure no matter what, and that finds a way to persist within and beyond the confines of our existence. 

Christopher Kerr, “Experiences of the Dying: Evidence of Survival of Human Consciousness,” an essay written for the 2021 Bigelow Institute for Consciousness Studies in response to the question: “What is the best evidence for survival of consciousness after bodily death?” Dr. Kerr, MD, PhD, is the Chief Medical Officer and Chief Executive Officer for Hospice & Palliative Care Buffalo. The full text with notes is available at https://bigelowinstitute.org/contest_winners3.php.