Ben knew he was ready for heaven

I am recording this experience on behalf of our son, Ben, who shared this NDE with us many times. He also shared it with the world in a YouTube video titled 'This is my story.' He passed away 17 days after his NDE, so he is not here to relay this experience himself. I am describing ONLY what he shared with us, his family. These are the words Ben shared with us on several occasions:

'I was walking from one class to the next (during his senior year in high school). The hall was really crowded. I knew I was about to faint, so I sat down on a bench in the Commons (a large gathering area in the middle of the high school). The next thing I know is that the EMS were above me working on me. I saw them put the defibrillator pads on my chest and saw that they were about to administer the shock. I passed out again.'

NOTE: The school nurse was at Ben's side by this time and verified in public documentation that he had already been 3 minutes without a pulse or breathing. She had already administered CPR to him, as did the school security officer. EMS had finally arrived by this time and was setting up the defibrillator. Ben had been passed out the entire time and was 'purple' according to the school nurse. So it is unclear how he could 'see' the EMS and what they were doing.

'I immediately found myself in a white room. It was pitch white. I also heard the quietest quiet I had ever heard. It was the most peace I had ever felt, just like the peace I felt when I was four when an angel had comforted me (after a 45 minute emergency in which Ben's blood sugar dropped to 14). I was in this pitch white room in front of a big mirror. I heard the lyrics from some music. It was the best sound ever. Better than any speakers I've ever heard. Kid Cudi (a rapper) was with me. I saw our reflection in a big mirror that was in front of me and thought we looked really, really good!! I couldn't believe how good we looked! I began to see my whole life play out in front of me in that mirror. I saw my whole life, everything I had done, and was proud of myself. It was the BEST feeling!

Kid Cudi put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Are you ready?' I said, 'Yes' and thought I was going on to heaven. Instead, I found myself back on the floor at school. It was so cold and bright. The brightness hurt my eyes. The white room was whiter and brighter but hadn't hurt my eyes. I wish I never would have come back and wish I could have just stayed there (in that peaceful white place). I think it was the waiting room to heaven, and I think God gave me that experience so I wouldn't be afraid of dying.  

NDERF.org #8975

Wife of deceased husband "feels" his presence

Julie, wife of Randy, who died while watching TV from his reclining chair, called Dr. Amatuzio to talk with her about her extraordinary experience.

“I had something happen to me after Randy died. I haven’t dared tell anyone about it, but Randy came to visit me.”

“Really!” I said.

“Yes. Really, he did. . . .”

“Tell me about it,” I said, feeling a shiver go through me.

“Well, as you probably know, Randy and I were married for seventeen years, and during all that wonderful time, we never spent a night apart. That first night after he died, I slept on the living room couch. We have two kids, a boy, twelve, and a girl, fourteen. I wanted to hear them if they were up during the night—and I wanted to be near his recliner. I didn’t sleep well at all, In face, I didn’t sleep at all. The second night, I gathered up my courage and lay down in our bed. I tossed and turned all night. You know, I could smell him on the sheets, and all I could really do was weep.”

As I listened to her, I thought of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s words in her book Living Until We Say Goodbye: "If we dare to love, we must have the courage to grieve."

Julie continued, “I was exhausted, numbly making funeral arrangements. The third night, when I got back in our bed, I started crying all over again. I’d reach for him and he wasn’t there. I think I finally fell asleep around 3 AM. At about 4 AM, I was awakened by the sound of footsteps in the hall. I sat up in bed, listening, thinking it might be my son. I had closed our bedroom door so that my sobbing wouldn’t wake up the children. Doctor, the next thing that happened was the most amazing thing that has ever happened in my life.” She paused and I waited.

“It was Randy; those were his footsteps. I saw him walk right through our bedroom door. It was dark. I don’t even have a nightlight, and I could see him clearly; he just glowed! He had a wonderful smile on his face and walked right up to the bed. I could believe my eyes. I was shocked! We talked for a long time. He told me what to do with our children and their future plans. We talked about finances and the property that I couldn’t see until I had that damn death certificate!” (I now began to understand her urgency and anger over the death certificate.) 

“But that was not all. I felt so calm, so reassured, so okay in his presence, for the first time in almost four days. I told him I didn’t want him to leave and what he said then will last be a lifetime. He sat on the bed next to me and put his hand on my shoulder. He wiped the tears from my eyes and told me that our love would be forever—that whenever I needed him, to just think of him and he would com rushing to my side. He told me that I would feel his presence and love in my life many times and in many ways and that he would be there to help our children throughout their own lives. I can’t even put it all into words, Doctor. There are no words to describe the comfort that I felt . . . but there is more.

“When we finished talking, I felt overwhelmed and wrapped up in his love. As I said, we had never slept apart and always slept wrapped together like spoons. As far-fetched as this sounds, Randy then lay down in bed beside me and wrapped his arms around me.” 

Her voice shaking a little, she added, “I felt the weight of his body and the warmth of it. I slept soundly and contentedly for the first time in three days.”

“My, my, what a marvelous experience!” I said.

“Yes, when I awakened the next morning, I was overwhelmed and, most of all, comforted. I could feel that he was gone, but when I think of him now, I feel a warmth around my back and neck. I know that is his love.”

In Janis Amatuzio, Forever Ours: Real Stories of Immortality and Living (New World Library, 2004), 111-113.

Dr. Robert Cole convinced of God's existence

At first, it was the Light, a brilliant, white light, without reflection and without glare. Then, the feeling... of quiet jubilation, of peace and incredible serenity enveloping me. It was not ecstasy or any feeling I could identify, except perhaps glory in the warmest most positive sense of the word. 

It was not at all similar to what I had experienced as an Air Force Medical Officer taking the USAF Physiological Training Program on 5 May 1960 at Lackland Air Force Base for flight officers and deliberately hyperventilating to see how that felt, and then, later deliberately taking off my Oxygen mask at a simulated (flight chamber) low oxygen, high altitude (? 20,000 feet) and experiencing the exhilaration of mild hypoxia as well as the other symptoms which occur physiologically during hypoxia and learning how to differentiate hyperventilation from hypoxia which is obviously important if you are flying at high altitudes or landing a plane.

During this time of jubilation and peace and serenity, I heard nothing, felt nothing, smelled nothing and had had no sense of pain and no sense of having a physical being. I did have the “feeling” that I was conversing with God and that I was being given important insights and facts about the nature of our being and the reasons for our existence that I must not forget and which I must communicate to others because of their incredible importance. I was given the impression that there is a God, a loving God and that it was the same God for all people.

There was more, I know that was communicated but I have little memory of anything specific. I do remember that somehow it was conveyed to me that it was not my time yet, and I had to return, that there was more for me "to be" and this was differentiated from anything I had to do.

I then started hearing very loud and unpleasant sounds- of paper ripping (in retrospect, possibly sterile envelopes of gauze pads) and then voices, men and women speaking in low murmurs- and then a voice saying “it’s almost time for lunch” and then another saying “he’s had a respiratory arrest”. I was still not feeling any pain and not seeing anything at all (the white light had vanished).

My recuperation was slow and I spent about 4 weeks in the hospital (and then 4 weeks in a rehab hospital.) While in the hospital ICU I attempted to “check” myself out to see if indeed my “experience” which I recalled immediately, was because I was brain damaged secondary to hypoxia. (I am a physician with formal training in neurology and psychiatry).

I remember that my thinking initially was confused, that I could not remember the last six presidents, or subtract 7 from 100 or spell world backwards. Finally, however, I had the wits to ask what pills they were giving me and realized I had the right to refuse the haloperidol and other sedating pills they were giving me.

Soon, I was able to remember the past 6 presidents, to subtract 7’s from 100, spell world backwards and I did not feel I was hearing or seeing things that were not actually there, but I remained reluctant to share my “experience” until I was safely home. Even then I was reluctant to share my experience except with those I trusted and whom I trusted would tell me if what I was saying seemed psychotic or brain damaged or if I was behaving in a peculiar manner.

Since my surgical recovery, I have resumed practice as a Psychiatrist and now include, as part of my history, taking a few non-directive questions regarding any unusual experiences people might have had during an accident or a surgical procedure. I’ve also have had two patients spontaneously report to me what they had previously told no one, and wrote out reports for me that are variants of my own experience, but they had said nothing previously for fear of being called 'crazy' (Neither patient was being treated by me for a psychotic illness).

Was my experience secondary to a flooding of my temporal lobe, or God Spot activated by ketamines, a potentially hallucinogenic chemical, as some suggest? The cross-cultural nature of the experiences confuses rather than clarify… some cultures see caves, other tunnels of light. Could it indeed have been secondary to hypoxia? My own experience with hypoxia in a tightly controlled environment in the Air Force was not in any way comparable to the feelings I experienced while seeing the 'light'.

Could there be micro-tubules or fields of energy that envelope each of us and in which our 'spirit' resides when we physically die, even if the 'death' is brief as in the Near Death Experiences?

Or, leaving the most imponderable for last, was it a true 'religious' experience proving the existence of God?

I have just become aware of a study by scientists at the University of Chicago-- soon to be published in the Journal of General Internal Medicine, finding that most US doctors believe in God and in an afterlife. 76% of 1,004 physicians surveyed said they believe in God and 59% believed in some form of after-life. My own belief, prior to my respiratory arrest/NDE, included believing in God, but with a strong conviction that the way to demonstrate this was to be helpful to my fellow man while alive and with no feeling that I would be rewarded in an after-life for my deeds for I did not believe in an after-life.

Somehow, after my respiratory arrest/NDE, I awakened with the firm conviction that there is a God, a gentle forgiving God, and the same God for all of Mankind. Was I so terrified by my close encounter with Death that I mentally had to configure this strong conviction? I certainly have no memories of anything frightening during my 'experience'. My awakening and subsequent slow recovery were distinctly unpleasant, but I am perplexed by my subsequent total conviction of God’s existence.

NDERF.org, 4473. 1/27/2018. NDE 16095  

Experience of the Great Presence

I miscarried the baby in the hospital and though I was very sad about the event, I felt that all was meant to be. As if I've never wanted to name the Divine as I would like to refer to Him as: The Great Presence.

Two nurses came to take me up a few stairs to for an internal exam. As we went up I felt myself begin to reel backwards and off I went round and round through space. I stopped spinning and began flying past planets and stars, I flew through the rings of Saturn seeing massive rocks and dust particles right before my eyes, I was marveling at the astounding beauty and laughing about how no one on Earth would believe my experience. It all felt so wonderful, so exactly perfect, I was an astronaut, a fabulous free spirit of joy! I was filled with indescribable joy and love for all of creation from the vastness of space to the smallest of all nano-expressions!

Then suddenly I was above my body, which lay on a stretcher, wearing a white hospital gown, I looked at my body and knew it wasn't the real me, it was the thing I had been caught inside, and now I was free! Oh and how I felt such happiness! The joy was all-pervading, it was the real world, pain, suffering, loss, and all illusionary experience that we like to get all knotted up about. Everything was becoming clear to me. Oh and the nurses were calling my name, one was crying tears, another was saying ''oh my God, we've lost her!’ meanwhile I was above them thinking ‘what silly Billy’s, they were making all that fuss, wondering why they couldn't see me and just know that all was perfectly fabulous!’ Then I saw a window, which was open about 6 inches wide, and I thought, 'Wow, I wonder if I can fit through there’, then instantly I was in another state.

I was flying through Goldenness: pure, serene, and delightful Goldenness. Oh, wow! I was held by this serenity for the longest time, I couldn't do anything except be with It and It with me. It was inside me. It was me. It was in and with everyone and everything. It had always been in and with everything. It was and is Truth, Love, Compassion, Joy, and All. This Goldenness held all information. It was the One Mind. It contained the creation of all of everything ever created. I felt, I experienced everything that has ever been and ever shall be. All is simultaneously occurring. There is no past or future. It all just IS.

There is no way to describe the immaculate beauty of this experience, though every day for the last 35 years I wish I could find a way. Bliss, is a mere descriptive word, yet does not give to you what I wish I could, but yes ‘bliss’ is close, in a way. I saw and experienced every single detail of my present life up to that moment, like watching a movie yet starring as the main character simultaneously. This made me feel quite sad, as I had not lived my life in a state of serene joy, and felt ashamed.

Ashamed that I had not realized how imperative it is for one to be incredibly happy in this life, no matter the circumstances. The pain, the fear: no matter what! All our material conflicts of body and mind are quite unimportant in the state of ultimate freedom and blissful awareness to which we shall all return. I felt I had been unfaithful to The Great Presence, who like a divinely loving Mother, who I had let down. I was my own judge. Yet I was this love simultaneously. I saw how all of Humanity has walked with eyes cast low to the Earth, not opening wide to the beauty of the one loving presence of Golden peace. This peace is one in which we truly live, yet do not see. I saw how sadness overcomes those who cannot forgive themselves or others; and on their day of an awakened mind, they too shall be ashamed and slowly sink to a lower experience.

I saw how in being uplifted we could all ascend to the true joy together as a loving family of Beings beyond a human life in mundane-ness. I saw how there is a level of fear so ingrained in some, it's hard to look at, and yet they too, can find a way through to peacefulness. I saw how things will change, yet only after massive suffering and yet I saw, too, that it is possible to end suffering. I saw that I had a purpose and that all beings have purpose. I saw we are not separate; we are the entire One. I saw that we must have all the courage possible to achieve this fabulous unity. It is highly possible.

I felt and experienced all of creation as an Omni-experience, there was no time involved at any level. I saw it is so simple it cannot be expressed; it is best to let the mind be still and then it may occur of itself. It was such a feeling of raised joy I was in. In the distance, a Great Presence appeared which is the most Ultimate of Holiness emanating extraordinary Brilliance! This Great Presence is the Heart of all of everything: we are but foolish children! I put my arms out to try to fly and saw that there were rainbows of colors: I was a rainbow being. I was made of light and color: I was overjoyed! I thought I can fly to the Great Presence before me and unite with the purity of all that is, was, and ever shall be. That was my heart’s desire, to be at one with the Great Presence which 'they' call God, and yet I dare not announce a name to that which is beyond naming.

I begin to fly and move closer to that beauteous sight and begin to feel the Great Presence pervade my very core, as if my entirety is exploding into love. Then a great powerful voice, which seems to echo in all directions and vibrates through to my very soul, declares: ‘It is not your time’, whereupon I feel such sorrow and in my mind, I am saying ‘No, no, no. Please don't make me go back’, for I do not want to return to this Earth, ever again. I awake in the hospital bed two days later and cry in heartache that I am here on Earth again. I have never felt at home here on earth. I have been alone with this and many other amazing and profound experiences for which I struggle to find anyone to which I can connect.

I do hope my experience is of some help, and I wish I could re-write it so I don't leave anything out, but I am afraid that would take a long time as there is too much to explain here. But since then I have been living as if in a double life, for no one would believe me if I told them everything I have seen. 

NDERF.ORG, #6992

I met my grandfather in the Light

I was visiting a friend with Muscular Dystrophy, in Lake Tahoe. Barney was in a wheelchair, accompanied by his brother and friends. I had met Barney a short time before at a camp where I had been living. Barney had called me and invited me up to visit with him and his brothers in Lake Tahoe. I said ‘yes’ and booked a flight. After a couple of days, things were getting a little boring and I needed some outside time. Barney was not able to get around, so the time was spent mostly inside.

His brothers had been playing outside and invited me to come join them. They had tied a rope around the bumper of a car and were pulling their friend in a snow saucer across the snow-covered road. Laughing and giggling, they were having a great time. All of a sudden, the young boy they were pulling went out of control. As I was watching, I was horrified and immediately made a declaration into the Universe: ‘Oh God, don't let that happen to him. I know he won't survive the accident!’ He was heading for a parked car and I knew it wasn't going to be good. At that moment, he rolled over, bruised his shoulder, got up and walked away.

The following day I found myself doing exactly the same thing. It was in the late afternoon and Barney’s brothers asked me if I wanted a go at it. Not thinking about what had almost happened the day before, I said ‘Sure.’ I sat down crossed legged in the snow saucer and held onto the rope. The boys piled in the car and began to pull me through the snow. As I was being towed I said ‘Go faster!’ and at that moment a voice came in my head and said, ‘We’ll show you where 'Go faster' gets you.’ The boys turned off to the right and I swung out to the left, towards a parked car! I was moving at a rate of approximately 30 mph. A voice came in my head and said ‘You better turn your head or you will hit the car face on.’ So I turned my head and took the impact to left side of my head. ‘Oh my God, we killed Barney’s girlfriend! What are we going to tell him?’

I left my body and went into an aura of all white light! It was totally warm and Peaceful, pure Love emanating through me and around me. At that moment, my Grandfather, who had passed away earlier that year, appeared to me and we embraced. ‘My darling, you have a decision to make.’ I knew the decision was to stay or to come back.

At that moment, I had an opportunity to view my life. Everything seemed whole and complete, I knew my dog and cat would be taken care of, and I was pretty much willing to go, but I had some questions to be answered. I asked if there would be anything wrong with me if I chose to come back. A voice answered ‘No. The only thing that would show would be the scar of the tracheotomy.’ ‘Would I remember this dream?’ The voice came back, ‘Yes and if anyone would ask you about the scar, it would be an opportunity to share your experience.’ ‘If I chose to stay, what would be the cause of death?’ ‘It will show that your spinal cord had been severed.’ ‘If I stay, what will become of me?’ ‘You become the Light.’

At that moment a Highway Patrol man showed up by my side. My brother was in the Highway Patrol so I immediately recognized the uniform and came back into my body. I told him ‘I am having this incredible dream!’ He said, ‘No, you hit the car.’ I wanted to tell him about this out of body experience I was having but he brought it back down to a physical level. With that, I wasn't interested and went back out of my body. Soon the ambulance showed up, rolled me over, put me inside the ambulance, and rushed me off to the hospital.

On the way, I remember sitting up, out of my body and looking out the ambulance window. I remember remarking to myself ‘Oh, there is Lake Tahoe, and I have a ticket to fly.’ So once again, I was out of my body looking over Lake Tahoe from above. The ambulance pulled into the hospital, wheeled my body into the emergency room and I remember them asking about emergency contact numbers. I came back into my body and tried to give them the phone number of my mom, but I then started throwing up. There was blood and yuck and grossness all over me and I didn't want to hang around for that. So once again, back out I went.

When I finally came back into my body, I was sitting up in my body on the operating table. I was looking over my left shoulder, watching the doctors do the tracheotomy. When they finished, I lay back down in my body and resumed my life.

Now getting back to the point as to when I made my decision to come back. In the beginning, I met my grandfather in the Light. When the voice in the Light was talking to me, it seemed like it was coming from above. The voice was neither female nor male. When I was having the question answer period, it was as if my Grandfather had left. I remember there was a period of time that I was left alone, in this beautiful white marble surrounding, which I later described as a Maxfield Parrish painting.

Later I came to learn that my mother had a dream that night. My grandfather had come to her in a dream. He told her ‘Lauren is dead.’ My mother then said ‘No, you will not have her. She was only your granddaughter and you will not take her from me.’ She then became physically violent with him and then he left. That was her dream she shared with me, later on in the hospital. Simultaneously to my mother’s dream I remembered being in the Light and acknowledging the space, saying ‘that the gift I am being given is to stay, but I can't accept the gift right now, because my mother will grieve greatly for my loss.’ I saw that every time she fell into depression, she would sink deeper, because of my death. The voice came back and said, ‘So shall it be and what you shall receive is a blessing.’ At that moment, I knew I was going to survive the accident. Nobody else knew I was going to live, but I did.

I think that is why I was having so much fun coming in and out of my body. I was in the intensive care unit for several days in order to stabilize my body. I then had 9 hours of reconstructive surgery to wire my face back together. I remained in the hospital for several days after surgery, I was then able to fly back home. Six weeks later I was on vacation, in Mexico, with my mom. I was known in the hospital as a miracle case. I came back, full of Joy, making people laugh doing the IV Disco down the halls and making obscene calls to respiratory therapy, holding the phone up to my tracheotomy and breathing heavily! 

NDERF.org, #7116

NDE: Wave after wave of pure love

1994 Arizona: I had gone in for a common routine surgery. I am not sure what happened during the surgery as I was knocked out, all I know is suddenly I was running in a grassy field toward a giant sun. I remembered looking down at my legs and they were short to the ground, I was a child again. There was another child holding my hand and running beside me. It was a little blonde hair boy with blue eyes.

The most amazing part was a pure feeling of the most intense love I can barely describe. It was just wave after wave of pure love. It was within me, it was around me, it was EVERYTHING. It felt like heartbeats of love, one wave of love after another. Yet there was love in the interim as well, then the wave would come with even more and more. It was endless, eternal and complete. I had no fear whatsoever, I had no feeling other than LOVE. I had no thought other than reaching the LIGHT. I felt pure happiness and joy. It was the most beautiful feeling that words could never even come close to describing. The closest thing I can think of to relate it to on this earth would be the moment I brought my child into this world. That moment of pure unconditional love that I'm sure most mothers and some fathers have felt. Still that is only but a very small fraction of what I am trying to explain. Words seem so small and insignificant in comparison to the experience.

So I am running towards this massive sun experiencing total acceptance and love. I knew that nothing earthly mattered anymore and I had this complete sense of peace about everything that I had ever done. I just wanted to keep running toward the light. Then suddenly I heard my name being called from behind me.

I stopped and paused for a moment and I knew I had a choice. To keep going forward or to go back. I never remembered making that choice however. The next thing I remembered were doctors standing over me frantically repeating, “NICHOLE, Stay with us Nichole” and then the pain came. The pain in my body was so intense I could barely stand it. I now believe that they must have cut off my 'sthetics completely at that point and were frantically trying to sew me back up quickly. I have never experienced physical pain like that again thank God. I felt like my body was in a vice and they were squeezing it tighter and tighter.

I do remember laying there saying aloud over and over, "NO, LET ME GO BACK! WANT TO GO BACK!" with tears streaming down my face. I was so upset and I felt for the longest time that I never got to make the choice, that the doctors did it for me and I was so MAD at them.

I think I spent many years depressed and angry because I believed that they robbed me of my graduation date from this planet. I truly believed for so long that I was meant to leave on that day. I couldn’t understand why I would be given a glimpse of something so beautiful only to have to return to such pain. Pain in that moment and pain in the disillusionment of the world in general. I was only 25 at the time but I believed I was done here and that I belonged where the LOVE is. I have always been a tender heart and the violence and greed on this planet seem so foreign to me and ridiculously unnecessary. After this experience it was damn near unbearable for me to witness it for a long time.

It’s taken me 20 years to realize that I did indeed make the choice to stay. I know if I had chose to leave no doctor could have prevented that. I believe I was given a glimpse so that I could carry on KNOWING what we are truly made of. To reinforce my conviction in The Power of LOVE and knowing that it's all there really is and all that really matters. I think I was given this blessing so I could share it with others. I have read other stories so similar to my own, with slight variations in the visual experience, I'm sure due to our own life paths but the feeling of LOVE seems to be the common theme. A Return to Love is no cliché, it is truly LOVE we are made of. It is where we came from and where we will return when we are done with this body. I know we come here to anchor this love in this place, to increase this LOVE, to remember what we are is LOVE, but why I can not presume to say.

Today, I work so hard to raise the awareness of how powerful collective LOVE is. It’s what the entire universe is made of. We can call it anything we want, like God, Allah, Jesus, or Mohammad. But, the name is all the same under the word LOVE. Now I try to help others to Just BE LOVE. My daily mantra is "I LOVE therefore I AM." I am looking forward to my final return to love but in the meantime I hope to share the love I touched for a moment there with the people I love here. 

NDERF.org, #7417

 

Slave song: "I want to Go Home"

 

“Slave Songs of the United States” by Charles Pickard Ware,
Lucy McKim Garrison, and William Francis Allen, 1867.