She didn't want to survive her NDE

Greyson affirms: “Most of the aftereffects that experiencers report after near-death experiences are positive effects. But how could such a profound experience that differs so radically from everyday life not lead to problems as well? In fact, not all the aftereffects of near-death experiences are positive. Some experiencers have difficulty reconciling their near-death experiences with their religious beliefs. Some find it hard to resume their old roles and lifestyles, which no longer have the same meaning, or to communicate to others the impact of the near-death experience. Some experiencers report anger at still being alive—or at being alive again.

Cecilia, a sixty-one-year-old teacher, had a near-death experience during surgery for a ruptured and gangrenous appendix. She recalls: I experienced a wonderful feeling of peace and freedom. I saw my students going out and assisting others, and I knew the work I loved would go on without me. I felt ready to go, reached my arms out to two spirits who were in the room watching, waiting—and then they began to back away, leaving me behind! I pleaded, ‘Here I am. Take me with you,’ as they gradually faded away. My recovery proved slow and tedious. My body was healing, but I regretted that I had not died. I went through weeks of depression. I did not know how to climb out of this hole. I looked everywhere I could in a desperate attempt to find answers. I bought myself a notebook to keep a journal of how I was to get through this. My first entry was written to God in anger, I asked, ‘Why am I alive?’

Bruce Greyson, After: A Doctor Explores What Near-Death Experiences Reveal about Life and Beyond, 194.